The illusion of connectivity
I have to admit that though Facebook doesn't really create true connectivity or foster real relationship, it does have some undeniable, practical, social purposes. If you don't believe me, just think about how Facebook has made it less awkward to meet up with an old acquaintance that you haven't seen in years. It makes it is easier to interact with old friends and acquaintances because it creates the illusion that you have been "in touch" with them. I think this is accomplished by allowing us to watch our friends grow older and warning us about their changes, much as if you saw them on a regular basis. You know how they have been, their new musical tastes, if they are in a relationship, their travels and hobbies, and have maybe even commented on their status updates from time to time. Facebook photo albums even allow you to watch your friends age physically. That is a huge factor in creating the illusion of connectivity. 15 years ago, when you bumped into someone after a couple of years, I think your brain would have a hard time associating the friend you once knew with his updated, and aged version. But now that problem is gone because of Facebook. Nevertheless, though this shallow sense of "being in touch" may be useful to a point, the illusion of friendship can also be sadly misleading.
Many times, it is a one way street. I can look at all a "friend's" pictures, but that doesn't mean that they are looking at mine. Gone is the assurance of a face to face conversation or written correspondence where I know if someone reciprocates my interest and friendship. Also, despite the awkwardly personal nature of some people's status updates, Facebook is not very good at facilitating deep interactions or nurturing real relationships. Looking at the pictures of someone's latest trip or barbecue does not really tell me how they are doing or what they are thinking. This was a hard realization, especially when I thought about all the "facebook friends" that I was actually close with in the past, but whom I never talk to anymore. How are they really doing? Do they still consider me a friend? Which friendships would I have naturally grown out of that I still maintain the illusion of relationship with?
Many times, it is a one way street. I can look at all a "friend's" pictures, but that doesn't mean that they are looking at mine. Gone is the assurance of a face to face conversation or written correspondence where I know if someone reciprocates my interest and friendship. Also, despite the awkwardly personal nature of some people's status updates, Facebook is not very good at facilitating deep interactions or nurturing real relationships. Looking at the pictures of someone's latest trip or barbecue does not really tell me how they are doing or what they are thinking. This was a hard realization, especially when I thought about all the "facebook friends" that I was actually close with in the past, but whom I never talk to anymore. How are they really doing? Do they still consider me a friend? Which friendships would I have naturally grown out of that I still maintain the illusion of relationship with?
These are hard questions to answer, for often the people you would naturally grow out of are not necessarily the ones that are far away. And in that case, it seems that social media would really be an invaluable tool to nurture these relationships. Imagine if Facebook limited your "friend" list to 100 people. You would end up having to make the hard decision of picking them, but the nature of your posts, privacy, and interactions would have much more depth.
I suppose this rambling rant is my way of mourning the loss of Facebook, while also admitting its serious faults, at least if you are looking to nurture friendships and not "friends" as I am. I suppose if you just want a casual social divertissement it serves its purpose. But I don't think it serves mine right now. Which is the other purpose of this rant: to justify my actions, both my departure from Facebook as well as my return to blogging. At least blogging allows the potential for depth, for I can actually let my friends know what I am thinking, doing, and feeling. And it demands certain reciprocity and commitment from my friends, for reading a blog post requires much more intentionality than browsing a news feed.
Comments
To me there is a certain beauty in Facebook, though. As someone whose life is led primarily in my own home with small children, FB allows me to have interaction - of a sort - with adults so that I do not lose my mind. However, in order to remain sane, it is important to always keep before me the reality that FB is superficial and can never replace true, intimate friendship.
I believe that it can have a very valuable roll in my life - as long as I remember to keep it in its place.
Incidentally, your return to the blogging world has me thinking about whether or not I want to return as well. I'm leaning toward it, but still feeling a bit uneasy.
In a way, perhaps I should have titled this post, "the illusion of relationship," because there is a certain amount of connectivity and interaction that facebook fosters. Heck, why would we all use it if it didn't? And depending on what you want out of it, and how self-aware you are, Facebook can provide some serious benefits.
I guess I just wanted to reflect on its shortcomings and things we take for granted about it. Especially within my own context. It doesn't help that I have a neurotic and obsessive personality that can't help but check facebook dozens of times a day and follow every rabbit trail that the news feed leads me on. Part of my justification is that I am spending time "keeping in touch" with people when I am really wasting time on facebook.
I would definitely love you to return to the blogosphere, and not only because it is a fun word to say. You are an insightful and good writer.
(see what I mean about blogs fostering relationship better than social media? Already I feel like we have had an exchange of ideas that would have been impossible on facebook. And I know that you have had the intentionality of actually reading what I have to say)
Not to be an apologist for Facebook, but all the things you criticize Facebook apply to any blog through which you don't have correspondence with friends, except none of the good things about Facebook are present in the blog. You can correspond with friends through the wall, commenting on photos, etc. Facebook doesn't create any illusions of anything because Facebook doesn't pretend to represent our relational reality: it merely allows us to connect with people we aren't presently standing next to. Of course, none of this addresses your worry about compulsively checking it or being connected with people who aren't your friends, but those things are not defects with Facebook.
Greg
I'm not quite sure what you mean by "all the things you criticize Facebook apply to any blog through which you don't have correspondence with friends."
I do think blogs are different because you actually communicate in complete thoughts rather than soundbites.
Do you mean blogs of people with whom you don't have a relationship, or do you mean that blogs can end up replacing correspondence between friends just as facebook can?
If it is the former, then I don't really have to worry, because my blog is written for people I know, as are the blogs I read. If you mean the latter, then I think I both agree and disagree with you. For one thing a blog post IS correspondence, an open letter to friends. As such it avoids the lack of depth that facebook is guilty of, but could fall into the illusion replacing the one-on-one intentionality of personalized correspondence in the same way that only writing newsletters could. Now, that being said, I think that the fact that blog comments lend themselves to verbose and detailed response to those "open letters" makes up for that in a sense. But you bring up a good point.
thanks for disagreeing. I'll admit that in my zeal to leave facebook behind, I have been trying to make myself feel better by demonizing the website more than it deserves.
Like I said, my problem with facebook is largely personal. And I in no way mean to criticize people who use it. I simply mean to get people thinking: "am I really as in-touch with my friends as I think I am?"
Good concessions, so I'll just respond to a few specific comments you made in your response to me. (1) Ok, "correspondence" was poor word choice. You can indeed have correspondence through a blog; indeed, we're having it now. (2) You can communicate via Facebook in "complete thoughts rather than soundbites". There are Notes, Discussion Forums, Wall posts, etc. In addition, these forms of correspondence can be directed to a specific person or specific person(s) in the way a blog cannot. As evidence of this, I'm always surprised but who does and who doesn't read my blog. But Facebook lets me request that specific people look at things I do or that others do by calling their attention to it with tags, etc. (3) I get that your reasons are mostly personal. I have a similar sentiment, just on the other side: I have very good friends from college who are now in: Italy, (someplace in) Africa, Minnesota, and Ohio. Facebook has made staying in touch with them possible, especially for my friends who are lousy at keeping in touch. We can have our little online conversations and jokes, and then pick up the phone. And we do. It's all in how you use it.
Greg
(Now to go respond to what you posted on my blog. Look at this fresh online relationship we're developing!)
i´m happy you´ve left facebook. i´m also happy you´re blogging again. i will immediately subscribe to your feed and feel more in touch:-)
i´ve been keeping two music blogs going, and i´m thinking of making a new one that is more personal as a way to exorcise demons and make a grasp at sanity. (although music is personal for me, you know what i mean i think) like jen, i´m a stay at home parent and i feel the need for some more connection. i know that if i had a facebook i´d be completely obsessed. anyway, if you´re interested i´ll give you the link, i won´t be sharing it with too many people.
please send me the links to all your blogs. Be sure and tell me which ones are personal and which ones I can link in my own blog. You are one the people that I regret not having been in touch with more.
Greg
You are right, facebook does have more options for different types of communication, and it has options of personalizing it better that blogs do. I had not really stopped to consider that. However, I would also argue that many (if not most) of those options (notes, discussion forums, etc) are not used (of the hundreds of friends I had, I think I have only seen a dozen or so notes written). I am sticking to my guns and saying that I really do believe that they aren't used because people are lulled into the feeling don't feel the need to use the more in depth options available.