Not so great
You know those people who jump at the possibility of doing good? I am not one of those people. A good example can be seen underground. If you have ever been on a subway then you know what I am talking about. An elderly person comes into the subway car and all the seats are taken so someone gets up and offers them theirs. A lot of times these generous donors seem to leap out of their seats at the slightest chance of doing well. Superman couldn't have done it faster, in fact, he would still be in the phonebooth struggling to pull his underwear over his tights by the time these others have the old guy sitting down. Sure, we are just judging on outward actions, but if we stop to think a moment we can all come up with several acquaintances that are truly benevolent inside as well as out.
I often find it funny when people say something positive about my character. I can begrudgingly accept people telling me that I've acted well, or praising some talent like singing or something... but, my character? I can't help but cringe when someone tells me I'm "great" or something like that (not that I mean to make this sound like a regular thing...). Now, it isn't that my actions are bad, most of the time I do the right thing. My moral compass tends to point north steadily, and I tend to follow its direction. But inside, most of the time I don't particularly want to.
I am simply not that way. When the elderly person comes in the train car, inwardly, I groan. I avoid eye contact as they shuffle in, ignoring their heavy breathing and the bump-bump of their cane along the rubber treads on the floor. I feign interest in my book/ipod/cellphone/wrinkles on my shirt. And I wait. I wait for superman to get his tighty whities on and come out of his booth. Or for someone with a quicker conscience. Finally, if no one else gets up, I give them my seat. Sure, there are days when I feel generous and help people out left and right, but again, that is for my own benefit. It makes me feel good to help people, am I really doing it for others? I doubt it.
It all comes down to motivation. Lately I have been wondering if anything I do is done for the right motives. I tend to feel no particular inclination towards what is good, I do it out of obligation. Part of me would like to think that my following through with my actions when my heart doesn't give a damn is worth more than if I were truly motivated to do what is right. Who is braver, the sky-diver who loves what he does or the one who is terrified of heights but is doing it anyway? Though that is probably just self-justification for my selfishness.
I often find it funny when people say something positive about my character. I can begrudgingly accept people telling me that I've acted well, or praising some talent like singing or something... but, my character? I can't help but cringe when someone tells me I'm "great" or something like that (not that I mean to make this sound like a regular thing...). Now, it isn't that my actions are bad, most of the time I do the right thing. My moral compass tends to point north steadily, and I tend to follow its direction. But inside, most of the time I don't particularly want to.
I am simply not that way. When the elderly person comes in the train car, inwardly, I groan. I avoid eye contact as they shuffle in, ignoring their heavy breathing and the bump-bump of their cane along the rubber treads on the floor. I feign interest in my book/ipod/cellphone/wrinkles on my shirt. And I wait. I wait for superman to get his tighty whities on and come out of his booth. Or for someone with a quicker conscience. Finally, if no one else gets up, I give them my seat. Sure, there are days when I feel generous and help people out left and right, but again, that is for my own benefit. It makes me feel good to help people, am I really doing it for others? I doubt it.
It all comes down to motivation. Lately I have been wondering if anything I do is done for the right motives. I tend to feel no particular inclination towards what is good, I do it out of obligation. Part of me would like to think that my following through with my actions when my heart doesn't give a damn is worth more than if I were truly motivated to do what is right. Who is braver, the sky-diver who loves what he does or the one who is terrified of heights but is doing it anyway? Though that is probably just self-justification for my selfishness.
Comments
so, feel better. I think most people only do good out of a sense of obligation, or just self-gratification. you know: people always talk about the wonderful (and addictive) feeling of giving. it feels good to be good. especially in front of other people, like on the subway. I suppose that makes us all pretty lousy.
-eva
Personally, I think that most of us spend most of the time acting even when we don't feel like it. It's the true desire to act, that only comes along every now and again that is worthy, but mostly because it is a more difficult state to achieve. I don't know if I'm making any sense here or not.
Also, I would say, the desire to truly do something for someone else only comes out of love for that person - love and understanding - so very few people are acting unselfishly (at least on the metro). When I am generous from a truly selfless perspective it is always for someone I love deeply, someone in my family or a close friend.