An Ending: part 1

Since writing the last post, and since Christmas, I've had to come to terms with something about my current situation: it is untenable. For me, my current job feels like quicksand; the harder I struggle, the deeper down I go. I can see myself hanging on, but it would be at the expense of my mental health and general wellbeing.
And so, without further ado... I have decided that this will be my last year at my job.

It simply isn't a good fit for me:

English:

Officially, my class is called "English Language Arts," though why they bother including the word "arts" is beyond me. I am really responsible and held accountable for teaching the kids how to think critically. This is a good thing in its own right, but it bores me. I work with people who find it fascinating to break down particular thinking skills and attempt to teach them, but I was never an Education major. I was an English major. My masters degree was also in English Lit. I became interested in teaching because it seemed like a natural way to keep stories and poems in my life through sharing them with others. Unfortunately, middle school has not provided me with many opportunities to do this. This is especially due to being in a public school, and therefore a slave to standardized testing, "no-child-left-behind", and the Common Core. But more on that some other time.

The Classroom:

I hear parents that have multiple children complain that in their homes there is always someone in tears or throwing a fit. Let's multiply these 3 children times 10; remove any emotional bond that may give them loyalty towards you; and force them to do something that they hate for 70 minutes. Oh, and it is middle school, so have them hate themselves and each other as well as you. Oh, and let's not forget that this is an urban school where 80% of the kids are poor enough to qualify for free lunches, so many of these kids carry huge loads of emotional baggage (homelessness, abuse, drugs, poverty, deported parents, foster care...).  This is a terrible job for someone who hates conflict. When I even see two people getting in an argument on the street, I feel myself tense up. So classroom management is absolutely exhausting for me. I don't think I do a bad job at it, but the amount of energy that I expend is enormous. As with the previous section, I see teachers that actually thrive off this tension and who are energized by it. I am not one of  them, introvert that I am.

Relationship:

Perhaps I was naive, but one of the reasons I sought out this job was because I wanted to do some good. My school has some rough characters, some clear needs, and I wanted to help make this world a better place. I thought that there would be kids that might need me. And, the thing is... there are, but my current job set-up doesn't allow me to really reach them. I don't mean that I expected an "Oh, Captain! My Captain!" scenario to happen; I mean that I hoped that I would be able to form meaningful relationships with some of these kids and be there for them. However, it is very hard to make that happen when you spend half of your time keeping the classroom from turning to madness and the other half trying to teach higher order thinking skills. How does one develop any sense of personal relationship or trust in a class of 31 students? While I am sure that some students have felt more valued with me in their lives than they did before I came along, it is very hard to tell.

Stay tuned for the second half of these reasons later on this week...